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I had two fabulous weeks of staycation between ending work and starting school and I squeezed all the goodness out of those weeks that I possibly could. Tons of dancing, two beach days, lots of lunches and dinners with friends, organizing my apartment and finances, a blues festival, concerts, my dad’s 80th birthday party, errands, doctor’s appointments, and more. I was a whirling dervish of activity, and it felt great.
And then school started… last week. I thought I was prepared. I had bought the textbooks they listed, and a snazzy new pencil case, and resisted the urge to get a trapper-keeper, for old times’ sake. I downloaded syllabi and attended orientations. I was ready! And then I started to freak out.
In each class they added more books and articles, and with each one my anxiety kept ramping up. I am dyslexic (self-diagnosed in high school) and a very slow, insecure reader. I did not mention my dyslexia for decades because I was afraid it would stigmatize me. I was afraid people would think I was stupid. Attending a panel discussion on disability about six years ago changed all of that. I realized that I was senior and respected enough at work to “come out” and talk about my learning disability without any backlash, and that it may help others if I normalize it. So I did.
But now, in classes where I am by far the oldest student, in a field that is completely new (with new acronyms and vocabulary), I am struggling. My comfy life in marketing had little long-form content. Sure I read business-related books but at my own pace, and I consume a lot of audio books. But now…. NOW I am faced with this….
Plus the two textbooks still on order and piles of articles being added weekly. All in the next 4 months!!!
Every time I even think about tackling that pile, my heartbeat quickens, my stomach tenses and I my legs walk me to the chocolate stash in my kitchen.
This is why I have been posting about change and transformation. I am trying to remind myself (and all of you) that the mental and physiological reactions are normal, to be expected, and can be quelled. I know myself to be a capable person who is good at figuring out systems and efficient hacks to get hard things done. But I need to tame those bursts of anxiety in order to access that rational thought.
I also need to resist the urge to procrastinate by filling my day with easier things. Although, upside, I finally learned how to edit videos, so I have new things to share.
There are 5 new videos on the site. Each 2-3 min video dives into a researched psychological theory about change and how we react. They helped me, (especially self-efficacy on the reading situation), and I hope they will help you too. I did not email each individually as not to spam you, so visit the site (use the Substack app for the best experience) or access via these direct links.
Change Survival Thrive Kit
Coming soon: Conversations with badass members of the Collective-Thrive community about their adventures with change and transformation.